Tips for managing intense emotions when you can’t leave the physical situation

Intense emotions can be anything from grief and sadness to, anger, rage, fear, overwhelm, ecstasy, and more. What they all have in common is that the more intense the feeling, the harder it is to make mature decisions at the time,  especially while our nervous systems and brains are sending a cascade of survival chemicals and signals to make us either fight, run away, freeze or fawn. So what do we do?

It can be hard to calm these feelings so we can see events, situations, and triggers more clearly and make better decisions around how we are going to manage these situations. This is especially if our feelings have been triggered by trauma, mental health issues, long practiced patterns of no longer helpful behaviour, significant changes in our lives, and many other reasons. The good news is, It is absolutely OK to have strong emotions, and with practice, we can all learn to understand and channel our emotions in healthy ways, without acting out.

Here’s a few tips for when you are triggered in a situation or environment you can’t automatically leave in order to help calm your emotions.

1. Take 4-12 slow long out breaths. This helps to physically calm your sympathetic nervous system. Breathe in to your abdomen for 4 counts, hold, breathe out for 8 counts or longer, hold, breathe in and repeat.

2. Use your 5 senses to notice what is around you. Name to yourself 3-5 things you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. Don’t analyze what you feel about them, or worry if you can perceive more or less than 3-5 per sense, just label them to yourself and repeat if you need. This and other versions of this exercise can be used to help you ground yourself.

3. Touch your thumb sequentially to each finger and finger joint on the same hand and repeat a few times. You can switch hands if you want. This helps you to re-focus and also activates your parasympathetic nervous system. You can also take some deep slow breaths while gently squeezing both sides of each fingernail.

4. Politely and respectfully put some physical and emotional space between you and the other person or situation if you can, until you feel calmer and able to think through the situation. This can be done in a small space.

Creating space to calm your emotions might mean doing other things like:

  • Change your position in the room i.e. Put the lounge or other piece of furniture between you and the person or situation if you can’t leave the room.

  • Busy and refocus yourself with a job like tidying, or gardening, or a craft activity or hobby for a short while.

  • Focus on your phone, computer or TV.

  • If you can go into another room and close the door.

  • Take a short nap.

  • Go outside, or take a quick cool shower as this triggers endorphins

  • Exercise or play a game,

  • Play with and talk to your pet.

  • Practice mindful breathing or focus on an object in the room and name  to yourself every detail you can perceive about it.

  • Find something funny or ridiculous about the situation and even your response, if you can. There is no need to share that with the other person especially if they are also triggered.

  • Ring or text a friend and arrange to go out.

  • Journal or draw your feelings.

  • Listen to music.

  • Ring a crisis help line, or book in a session with your counsellor.

·You can also ask for some emotional and physical space to re balance yourself, e.g “I’m feeling very sad/angry/hurt/shocked/frustrated by what just happened…. I need a little alone time and space to  think/calm more  before I can respond, or finish that conversation with you. I’ll get back to you when I’m ready.” (Make sure you do get back to them once you are calmer, and do not leave it too long).

Or you could try “I can see this is an issue, I’ll get back to you (state a time and honour it). I would like to respond more thoughtfully, but right now I’m feeling very hurt/angry/sad about it….. I need time to think rather than just react”.

If the situation is in relation to the behaviours of a small child, vulnerable adult, or another person who needs constant care. Make sure they and you are safe, as you take a little emotional time out.

Sometimes there are also situations where your emotions are very triggered and the other person is also very emotionally triggered, or the situation is a very challenging one in other respects, as well. Again it can be very hard to think clearly. Also the other person might not respect your request for some space to decompress, ground and to think more calmly before responding, or for some reason it is not appropriate to do so. It is then very important to evaluate your and their safety, and leave as soon as you can, even if for just a short while, before you later return to work through the problem with them. If this is not possible, you may need some help from your counsellor or other services to work through the situation to help you develop further strategies and options, including exploring more ways to understand and channel your emotions.

If you are at risk of being harmed, and you are able, ring 000, Lifeline (13 11 14) or 1800 RESPECT

If you are at risk of harming others or yourself, leave the situation as soon as you can, even if it’s just going out into the garden or into your room, as everyone’s safety is important. Ring 000 if needed. You could also ring a crisis line if you need for yourself (see numbers below). Make an appointment with your counsellor, so you can talk about the situation, explore your feelings and seek further strategies.


In case of emergencies please contact *000* or 

Albury Wodonga Health Mental Health Intake Line - 1300 104 211
Murrumbidgee Accessline - 1800 800 944
LifeLine - 13 11 14
Kids Helpline (age 5-25) - 1800 55 1800
Beyond Blue - 1300 224 636
13 YARN (First Nations People) - 13 92 76
1800 RESPECT (Domestic Violence)- 1800 737 732
Parentline - 1300 30 1300

Kate Ashley

For an appointment with me, please call (02) 6013 9757 and complete an intake!

Mel Kilo